I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sorry about my life...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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