There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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