My nipple is on Facebook.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
