Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
