i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
