I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
