My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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