I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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