You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
