last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
