im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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