Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
