we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We named our party play list daddy issues
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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