do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
