Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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