We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
