there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
