I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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