i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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