Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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