after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize