He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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