Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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