Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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