If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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