i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So much Jack, so little girl.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
