I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
