bring money and cleavage
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
