My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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