I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize