do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize