I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
