I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
