Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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