our cab driver is having phone sex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
