Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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