I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
