The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
