You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sext me about skeletons
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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