So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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