Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
