we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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