is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
