: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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