Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
