I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize