walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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