You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
