Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Less talking, more tequila
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
