you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
