omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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