Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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