question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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