Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
