drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
