If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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