Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
